How to Handle the Early Days of Recovery with Your Spouse

If your spouse has given up drinking, you may be forgiven for thinking that things are going to go back to the way they used to be before addiction was an issue. This rarely happens, however. It is unlikely that things will ever be the same as they were before, but they can become better – with time.

Many spouses have unrealistic expectations about what recovery will mean for the family, simply because they have no experience with addiction. The truth is that getting sober is just the first step on the road to recovery. There is no quick fix for alcoholism, and you need to be prepared for things to get worse before they get better.

Patience

Although you have been through your struggles while your partner was in the grip of a destructive addiction, you may need to be patient for a little while longer. Your loved one may not be very nice to live with at the moment as he or she learns how to adapt to sober living but, with time, the whole family will adjust, and things will get back to some form of normality.

Responsibility

It is important to remember that you were not responsible for your spouse’s drinking. Similarly, you are not responsible for his or her sobriety. Your spouse must learn the skills necessary to live without alcohol and is therefore completely and entirely responsible for his or her recovery. You can offer support and love, but it is not your job to make sure he or she stays on the right track.

You cannot change your spouse, and how he or she behaves is not your fault. You may feel sad if your loved one behaves badly, but you should not feel guilty.

Enjoy Life

You need to learn how to be happy independently of how your spouse feels. For too long, you have probably been letting your moods be dictated by those of your spouse. When your spouse was drinking and behaving badly, you were unhappy. Likewise, when your spouse was sober and behaving well, you were probably happy. It is important to remember that you have your life to live and cannot rely on your spouse in order to feel happy or sad.

Start going out with your friends and having some fun. You deserve to be happy, and you need to start enjoying your life again – with or without your spouse. If your spouse is spending a lot of time focusing on his or her recovery, you can offer love and support, but you need to start focusing on you as well.

Addiction is an Illness

Another thing to bear in mind is that addiction is an illness. Your spouse did not start drinking in order to make you unhappy, and he or she is not trying to get better to make you happy. Your spouse needs to want to get better for him or herself. Try to separate the illness from the person and remember that inside is the person you fell in love with. He or she has been through a lot, as have you. Try not to apportion blame because at the end of the day, nobody chooses to be an addict.

If you can separate the alcoholism from the person, you may be able to move on and start a new life together. Rebuilding relationships can be tough, but it is possible, provided there has not been too much damage to the relationship.

Things may be tough going for a while, but recovery from addiction is a long and slow process. However, you are on the right track, and if you are prepared to be patient and want to make things work, you could end up with a loving and caring relationship once more.

This article originally published at Middlegate Blog here

How Much Help Should You Give Your Recovering Child?

If your son or daughter is in recovery from addiction, you may be tempted to do everything you can to help. However, this is not always the best move.

You have probably spent a lot of time worrying about your child while he or she was in the grip of addiction, and now that it seems as though life may be getting back on track, you might be tempted to offer financial assistance to ensure that your child does not have to suffer unnecessarily. But this is not always the best option.

Financial Struggles

It is common for recovering addicts to find themselves in trouble financially. Those with addiction tend to think of little else but the substance or activity to which they are addicted. They usually neglect all other responsibilities in their lives, including paying bills. Those with gambling or shopping addictions, for instance, may find themselves in a worse situation financially than those addicted to sex because their addictions require constant access to cash. Even those with drug or alcohol addictions will need a lot of money to fund their habit.

This can lead to them struggling with debt when they are in recovery. So it is understandable that, as a parent, you may want to do anything you can to relieve this situation. Nevertheless, part of the recovery process involves taking responsibility for one’s actions, so your child must be made to face up to the consequences of his or her actions.

Beware of Enabling
Even if you can afford to help your child get out of his or her current financial situation, you need to be wary of handing over money that could enable him or her to revert to old ways. If your child is living away from home and has a family, you could offer assistance by way of helping out with grocery shopping or giving him or her a lift from time to time.

If you are going to get into the habit of paying all the bills or handing over large sums of money to pay off debt, your child will never take responsibility for his or her actions.

Impose Conditions

If you feel that by not helping your child his or her financial situation could spiral out of control, do so but with certain conditions attached. If your child still lives at home, make sure that he or she helps out with household chores.

If you are planning to give your child money, ensure that he or she understands it is a loan and that it must be paid back. Also, consider telling your child that you will cut off all help if he or she stops attending meetings or does not stick to the treatment plan in place.

Take a Step Back

You may be tempted to take control of your child’s recovery at this stage in order to ensure that he or she sticks to the plan. However, at this point, you need to be prepared to take a step back and allow your child to take charge of his or her life.

If your son or daughter has just completed a programme of rehabilitation, he or she will have likely learned the skills required for independent sober living. By taking over, you will be jeopardising his or her recovery. Let your child arrange to make his or her own way to meetings and to look for work.

Your natural instinct may be to do this, but the less involved you are in his or her recovery, the better the chance of it being successful.

This article originally published at Middlegate Blog here