How to Handle the Early Days of Recovery with Your Spouse

If your spouse has given up drinking, you may be forgiven for thinking that things are going to go back to the way they used to be before addiction was an issue. This rarely happens, however. It is unlikely that things will ever be the same as they were before, but they can become better – with time.

Many spouses have unrealistic expectations about what recovery will mean for the family, simply because they have no experience with addiction. The truth is that getting sober is just the first step on the road to recovery. There is no quick fix for alcoholism, and you need to be prepared for things to get worse before they get better.

Patience

Although you have been through your struggles while your partner was in the grip of a destructive addiction, you may need to be patient for a little while longer. Your loved one may not be very nice to live with at the moment as he or she learns how to adapt to sober living but, with time, the whole family will adjust, and things will get back to some form of normality.

Responsibility

It is important to remember that you were not responsible for your spouse’s drinking. Similarly, you are not responsible for his or her sobriety. Your spouse must learn the skills necessary to live without alcohol and is therefore completely and entirely responsible for his or her recovery. You can offer support and love, but it is not your job to make sure he or she stays on the right track.

You cannot change your spouse, and how he or she behaves is not your fault. You may feel sad if your loved one behaves badly, but you should not feel guilty.

Enjoy Life

You need to learn how to be happy independently of how your spouse feels. For too long, you have probably been letting your moods be dictated by those of your spouse. When your spouse was drinking and behaving badly, you were unhappy. Likewise, when your spouse was sober and behaving well, you were probably happy. It is important to remember that you have your life to live and cannot rely on your spouse in order to feel happy or sad.

Start going out with your friends and having some fun. You deserve to be happy, and you need to start enjoying your life again – with or without your spouse. If your spouse is spending a lot of time focusing on his or her recovery, you can offer love and support, but you need to start focusing on you as well.

Addiction is an Illness

Another thing to bear in mind is that addiction is an illness. Your spouse did not start drinking in order to make you unhappy, and he or she is not trying to get better to make you happy. Your spouse needs to want to get better for him or herself. Try to separate the illness from the person and remember that inside is the person you fell in love with. He or she has been through a lot, as have you. Try not to apportion blame because at the end of the day, nobody chooses to be an addict.

If you can separate the alcoholism from the person, you may be able to move on and start a new life together. Rebuilding relationships can be tough, but it is possible, provided there has not been too much damage to the relationship.

Things may be tough going for a while, but recovery from addiction is a long and slow process. However, you are on the right track, and if you are prepared to be patient and want to make things work, you could end up with a loving and caring relationship once more.

This article originally published at Middlegate Blog here

How Much Help Should You Give Your Recovering Child?

If your son or daughter is in recovery from addiction, you may be tempted to do everything you can to help. However, this is not always the best move.

You have probably spent a lot of time worrying about your child while he or she was in the grip of addiction, and now that it seems as though life may be getting back on track, you might be tempted to offer financial assistance to ensure that your child does not have to suffer unnecessarily. But this is not always the best option.

Financial Struggles

It is common for recovering addicts to find themselves in trouble financially. Those with addiction tend to think of little else but the substance or activity to which they are addicted. They usually neglect all other responsibilities in their lives, including paying bills. Those with gambling or shopping addictions, for instance, may find themselves in a worse situation financially than those addicted to sex because their addictions require constant access to cash. Even those with drug or alcohol addictions will need a lot of money to fund their habit.

This can lead to them struggling with debt when they are in recovery. So it is understandable that, as a parent, you may want to do anything you can to relieve this situation. Nevertheless, part of the recovery process involves taking responsibility for one’s actions, so your child must be made to face up to the consequences of his or her actions.

Beware of Enabling
Even if you can afford to help your child get out of his or her current financial situation, you need to be wary of handing over money that could enable him or her to revert to old ways. If your child is living away from home and has a family, you could offer assistance by way of helping out with grocery shopping or giving him or her a lift from time to time.

If you are going to get into the habit of paying all the bills or handing over large sums of money to pay off debt, your child will never take responsibility for his or her actions.

Impose Conditions

If you feel that by not helping your child his or her financial situation could spiral out of control, do so but with certain conditions attached. If your child still lives at home, make sure that he or she helps out with household chores.

If you are planning to give your child money, ensure that he or she understands it is a loan and that it must be paid back. Also, consider telling your child that you will cut off all help if he or she stops attending meetings or does not stick to the treatment plan in place.

Take a Step Back

You may be tempted to take control of your child’s recovery at this stage in order to ensure that he or she sticks to the plan. However, at this point, you need to be prepared to take a step back and allow your child to take charge of his or her life.

If your son or daughter has just completed a programme of rehabilitation, he or she will have likely learned the skills required for independent sober living. By taking over, you will be jeopardising his or her recovery. Let your child arrange to make his or her own way to meetings and to look for work.

Your natural instinct may be to do this, but the less involved you are in his or her recovery, the better the chance of it being successful.

This article originally published at Middlegate Blog here

Effect of Addiction on Children - Factors that Contribute to the Severity

Children are often referred to as the forgotten victims of addiction. These vulnerable individuals can struggle in a number of ways if they are living with a parent who has an active addiction. Younger children who do not understand the illness their parent is suffering from may experience feelings of confusion, fear, guilt, loneliness and anxiety. Older children may have some idea of what is going on and might experience the same feelings coupled with shame, embarrassment and helplessness.

While some children of addictive parents may continue to function quite well, others will fall behind in their school work or might be unable to develop friendships because they fear others will find out their secret. The extent of the effect addiction has on a child will depend on a number of factors, including:

1. Whether one or both parents were addicted. In most instances, children are affected more severely if their mother is the addict (because she is often the primary carer). Inevitably, they are also affected more profoundly if both parents are suffering from

2. The severity of the symptoms of their parents’ addiction. It goes without saying that the more severe the symptoms, the greater the effect it will have on the child.

3. If there was another carer present. Children with access to another carer, such as a grandparent or aunt, for example, tend to cope better with a parent’s addiction. Being cared for by another adult means they will not suffer from loneliness or helplessness, and they may be able to develop their coping skills and sense of worth.

4. The age of the child when addiction became a problem. The younger the child, the greater the impact. This is also the case for children who have been living with an addicted parent for a long time. Older children tend to be well settled and may not be as severely affected as a young child who has been neglected by a parent with addiction issues.

5. Strength of the family unit. Some families manage to stick together despite one parent having an addiction. If the non-addicted parent is strong enough to hold the family together, the children will not be as significantly However, if the non-addicted parent finds it difficult to deal with this situation, he or she may also neglect the needs of the child, which could lead to lasting emotional problems.

6. Support given to the child. Young children are often left as innocent bystanders who witness the destruction their parent’s addiction is causing. Nonetheless, this leads to confusion and many children blame themselves for the actions of their parent. But when children are dealt with openly and honestly, and when they are given emotional support, they tend to deal with the addiction much more effectively.

7. Did the child suffer abuse? Unfortunately, some addicts become violent or aggressive while under the influence of certain substances, and children often become targets for their aggression. If an addictive parent abuses a child, then that child is much more likely to develop lasting emotional problems. One of the biggest problems with this abuse is that it often occurs when the parent is intoxicated, and they may be unable to remember it because of blackouts. The child may not speak out about this abuse for many years and, during that time, will be dealing with various emotional problems.

8. Were there financial problems? If a parent’s addiction leads to financial struggles, this can affect the child going forward. Dealing with the effects of addiction coupled with a lack of financial security can be devastating for children, and it can affect them for years to come.

This article originally published at Middlegate - Alcohol Rehab Clinic Blog here